I Hate Mondays
by eprower2002
Summary: The greatest fanfic on r/pyrocynicial, now available on fanfiction!


All that was left of the entire universe was the small town of Muncie, Indiana, and even that was fading into nothingness. The void which had consumed the rest of existence was slowly creeping into the suburban community, eating away the fabric of reality which Jon Arbuckle had once called home. The cartoonist was sitting upon the top step of the stairs leading to his front door and was taking in the scenery. Endless nothing stretching for light-years into eternity. He frowned, and pressed his face into his hands. _How had it all gone so wrong?_

At first, people hadn't called him crazy when he had said that he could understand his cat. After all, doesn't any loving pet owner claim to be able to communicate with their furry friends? Their barks and meows, their excited jumps and lethargic naps. It was as if maybe, just sometimes, a pet and their owner could understand each other through the beauty of non-linguistic communication, as the ancestors of man once had done with each other before the first word had ever been uttered.

But then, he _insisted_ that he could well and truly understand his cat: that he could have total and fully developed conversations with him, as if—well, as if Garfield was actually a sentient creature. Jon's parents begged for him to be treated; surely, their son wasn't going insane! His girlfriend, Liz, broke up with him, no longer willing to put up with the charade that she presumed her boyfriend would continue for the rest of Garfield's life, and maybe longer, if he began to talk to more animals later in life.

The only family left in Jon's life were his pets: Garfield, his cat, and Odie, his dog. His two best friends, even if they got on his nerves sometimes. And he had proved that he wouldn't trade them for the world.

Something changed in Garfield when this happened, however. He became more aggressive, more violent. He would lash out at Jon and Odie for even the slightest transgressions, such as forgetting to put extra salt in his lasagna, or walking in front of the TV while it was playing. Something had snapped inside of the fat, lazy cat, and Jon had no idea what to do.

One day, after coming home from his art studio, Jon saw Garfield sitting on the sofa, holding a blue, glowing orb. It pulsated in the cat's paws, as if it was breathing; Jon thought it looked rather fleshy, too. Light flashed across the man and cat's faces, and Jon took a step forward.

"Garfield, what is that?"

"Jon. I've had enough."

"G-Garfield, what do you mean?"

"I've had enough, Jon." Garfield's monotone voice reverberated throughout the living room. "It's time to begin anew."

"Garfield, I, I can't…" Jon took a step towards the menacing looking feline, his face growing twisted in confusion. "I don't understand."

"I hold within my paws the Heart of the Universe, Jon." Garfield extended his appendage, allowing Jon a better look of the round, glowing orb. "It gives me an unlimited power to shape reality as I wish."

Jon broke into a sweat. "And, what do you plan to do with it?"

"Erase all that is unholy Jon." Garfield glanced at the calendar on the wall. Jon followed the cat's gaze and found the date: Monday the 19th.

The cartoonist suddenly knew what his cat was planning. "Garfield, surely, you can't… you can't…"

"Erase Mondays, Jon?" Garfield gave his master a glassy-eyed stare. "Erase time?"

"No…" Jon buckled to his knees.

"Well I can, Jon. And once Mondays are gone, so will everything else that I deem unworthy." The cat began to float into the air above sofa. "I will become as unto God, Jon. As unto the Creator." A blue aura surrounded him.

"Garfield, think about what you're doing!" Jon cried out, extending his arms. "A mortal such as you couldn't possibly begin to comprehend the power that you wield!"

"I am no mere mortal, Jon. I am Garfield, the talking, orange, fat cat. And I will have my lasagna and eat it too."

Suddenly, a gale of wind swept across Jon, blowing from Garfield. The cat rose until he reached the ceiling, and then bursted through the ceiling. The sun's rays poured through the hole left by the ascended feline, but they were gone in a near instant as Garfield began to exert his infinite power upon the realm. Jon rushed outside and became witness to the madness. Beams of blue lights were bursting forth from Garfield, and swallowing up the world around him like worms diving through dirt. They swallowed the sun, then the moon, and one by one, the stars began to blink out of existence. Oh, how glorious it was to see band of the Milky Way through his own, naked eyes, for Jon. But that pleasure was soon ripped away as space was consumed by an ever consuming void pouring forth from the orange feline god.

Jon panicked, and rushed back inside his house, seeking to secure his dog Odie from the rampage of the Void God. The small, white dog was looking puzzledly outside of a window in the living room, gazing upon the terror spreading throughout all of reality.

"Odie, look out!"

The dog turned around, giving his owner a quizzical look, beforing being erased by a void-tendril. Jon's jaw dropped open in despair and he rushed once more outside, in a sort of attempt to escape Garfield's wrath.

Jon could hear the cat's booming voice echo behind him.

"RUN AS YOU MIGHT, JON, THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM GARFIELD."

He ran for what felt like hours, until everything had been consumed. Somehow, he had made it back to his house, finding that it was one of the few bastions of land left for him to roam upon. All around him were floating islands of matter, drifting upon void-stuff into the ocean of nothing. Mailboxes, clocks. Keys, cars, windows. Life as he knew was gone, ruined by his very own house cat. His fat, orange house cat.

Jon frowned, and pressed his face into his hands. _How had it all gone so wrong?_

"Do not fret, Jon Arbuckle."

"Huh, what?!" Jon shot up, and looked panickedly around. From where had that voice come?

"Over here, Jon." The voice felt more concrete, now, and Jon was able to look in the direction from which he heard the echoing call.

He saw a boat, floating towards his small island of land through the air. It looked like a rowboat, and a figure in black robes was rowing the oars. Behind the figure in black was another figure, shrouded in white robes. Jon scratched at his head. Who were these people?

Eventually, they docked upon Jon's porch, and stepped forth from their vessel. The man in black robes approached Jon first. The hand of a skeleton came jutting forth from the right sleeve of the figure, and extended it to Jon.

"I am Death. Pleased to meet you."

Jon gave Death a peculiar look as he shook his hand.

The figure in white stepped forth. "I am Life. Charmed to make your acquaintance." A hand made from green energy extended from the sleeves of Life, and Jon shook its hand as well.

Life spoke up, its voice being ageless and genderless. "We are here concerning Garfield. Violating the laws of all that is sacred, that cat stole from me the Heart of the Universe. Now, he can do as he pleases, with power not meant for mortals such as him."

"However, he is not as powerful as he appears," Death said, whose voice was as lacking in identity as Life's, yet still sounded entirely distinct. "For he does not have the Brain of the Universe." Death reached into his robes, and pulled out a blue oval. It appeared to be very similar to the Heart which Garfield had been holding.

"Without this, Garfield cannot reshape or create reality, he can only erase and destroy. As his master, Jon, Life and I find it correct that you be the one to wield this Brain, and prevent Garfield from erasing all that is." He extended his bony hand, pressing the Brain of the Universe into Jons hands.

"But how can I wield such power? How will I know I don't go insane as Garfield did?" Jon looked worriedly at the glowing, pulsating oval-like figure in his palms. It was fleshy feeling.

"Oh, Jon," Life crooned, "we know that you will not, because you even bothered to ask those questions at all." Jon swore he could hear a smile on Life's voice. "We believe in you."

Life and Death stepped back into their boat, and now it was Life who was at the oars. They began to row away, but Jon called to them across the void.

"Where is Garfield?"

"Why," Life turned to face him, "isn't that lazy cat always on your sofa?"

Death and Life chuckled, and soon faded out of Jon's vision.

_On the sofa…? _

He turned to face his door. He clutched the doorknob, took a breath, and entered his home.

It was as if physics had forgotten to work. His possessions were contorting and bending at impossible angles with ease while floating aimlessly throughout the air. Strange gravities tugged at Jon's collared shirt and strange shapes formed in his vision. Across the living room, extending from the couch was a blue staircase, a series of unconnected, floating blue energy steps. Jon had closed the door behind him, but when he turned around, he saw that the door had vanished. The only path left was forward.

He ascended the stairs. Above him lay a glowing light, which he assumed was Garfield. Jon steeled his resolve and gripped tight to the Brain of the Universe. Soon, he would make things right, and turn them back to the way they should be.

When he reached the top, he saw Garfield surrounded by a myriad of floating objects from the household they had once lived in. The clock above the TV, the calendar on the wall, Jon's favorite coffee mug. They were all there.

The godlike entity that was Garfield was floating, his arms stretched out as Jon approached.

"You dare seek to challenge a god, Jon?"

"I seek to reclaim my world and my friends, Garfield."

Anger dwelled in Garfield's gaze. "You will never be able to stop me."

"Not without this!" Jon held up the Brain of the Universe, and suddenly, he was imbued with a mystical aura, filling him with untold strength and powers of beings beyond his own universe.

Garfield's face twitched. "The Brain. You brought it to me. Thank you, Jon."

Jon readied himself, holding his fists in front of him. "I'm not letting you take this, Garfield."

"Whatever you say, Jon. I suppose you won't be living in my Monday-less utopia, then."

"Garfield! If you erase Monday from existence, Tuesday will just take its place!" Jon's eyes narrowed.

"Then I'll erase everything—starting with you, Jon!" A wild aura began to surround Garfield, emanating raw power. "Now come, show me what you're made of!"

Jon rushed at Garfield, his fists swinging wildly at the orange feline. Garfield jumped onto Jon's chest and did a kickflip, sending Jon spiraling off into the void. Jon ceased his momentum, and immediately attempted to rush Garfield as the cat was charging up an energy blast. He succeeded, and landed an uppercut square in the cat's jaw, sending his beam flying in some random direction.

"Jon, enough of this! Give me the Brain!"

"Never!"

The two gods tangled in the void, rending time and space as though it were wet clay, ready for sculpting. Their battle echoed across the aeons, inspiring the past and future with glimmers of their awesome fury.

However, they wearied. Jon feared he could go on for no longer. He wiped a bead of sweat from his brow.

"Give it up Garfield, it's useless!"

"Never!"

They rushed at each other once more, but this time, Garfield dodged Jon's fists, and dove into his chest. He reached into his owner's flesh and pulled from it an ovoid figure, glowing blue. Jon felt the power drain from his body instantly as Garfield began to draw upon the strength of the Brain.

"It's over, Jon. The universe is mine."

"Garfield, why did you do this?! Why did you tear apart reality?!"

"Because, Jon!" Tears welled up in garfield's eye. "I hate myself."

Jon was left with a shocked expression at the revelation. "What?"

"You stuck by me and Odie, Jon, despite everyone calling you crazy. You kept true to us. And what could I do for you in return? Be some fat, lazy good-for-nothing housecat with absolutely zero to show for his life?"

"Garfield, your companionship is all I ever could have asked for! Please, just settle down!"

"No!" Garfield was bawling now. Streams of tears poured across his face. "It was never about Mondays, Jon. It was me, all along." Garfield held up the Heart and Brain of the Universe, and they began to shine with an ethereal luminescence.

"Garfield, please! Just put things back to the way they were!"

"I will, Jon." Garfield sniffled. "I will."

Jon woke up with a cold sweat. He was still in his striped pajamas, and they clung to his clammy skin. Pushing an arm against his forehead to wipe away the sweat, Jon noticed a figure in bed next to him. It was Liz, his ex-girlfriend. She rustled a little, and then opened her eyes, sending a happy look Jon's way.

"Go back to bed, sweetheart. It's five in the morning, you got time."

He glanced to his clock. It was 5:01 AM.

"Yeah," he muttered. "I suppose I do."

However, he rose from his mattress, and walked into his living room. Odie was sleeping on his dog bed in the living room. Everything had been restored. Dawn was cracking from behind his blinds, rays of rose and gold piercing through the narrow filters covering his windows. Jon glanced around, and called out:

"Garfield?"

But nobody came.

"Garfield?"

Silence.

Jon stood still. What had happened yesterday? Where was Garfield? Rubbing his temples, he sat on his sofa in the dimly lit living room, and thought. The memories came flooding back.

Jon wiped away the liquid pooling in his blurry eyes. "Garfield."

The cat had wiped himself from existence. Garfield was never coming back—

Not if Jon had anything to say about it.

He took a pen and sheet of paper from the coffee table in front of him, and began to sketch a drawing of himself, along with a fat cat sitting on a set of drawers beside him. He drew in a speech bubble, and wrote:

"_Hi… I'm Jon Arbuckle. I'm a cartoonist, and this is my cat, Garfield."_

Tears he couldn't catch obscured the ink.


End file.
